Saturday, 28 September 2013

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Fracas

The Eagle dipped low. Bilbo slid from its back and landed on the edge of the rocky precipice. He looked up as the majestic bird wheeled back into the sky, emitting its stereotypical cry before disappearing into the clouds. Several more eagles swooped, depositing their cargoes. Bilbo cowered, covering his head as dwarves rained around him.

His companions straightened up, dusting themselves down and inspecting their lofty surroundings. Gandalf adjusted his conical hat and muttered, 'Another day, another bloody mountainside.'

The party inspected the vista. Below them, the forbidding expanse of Mirkwood stretched toward the murky horizon. At the limit of their vision, Mount Erebor rose like a wonky phallic symbol.

Thorin Oakenshield stepped forward and cocked his head as a thrush flew drunkenly past, twittering meaninglessly as it made a beeline for the distant peak. 'The birds are returning to the mountain," he stated with satisfaction.

'Not all of them," Bilbo spat.

Thorin frowned. "What mean you?"

"Well, the eagles aren't heading that way, are they? Why did they dump us here? Why not take us all the way? We'll have to cross that whole bloody forest before reaching-"

Gandalf stretched a friendly arm across Bilbo's shoulders and led him away from the party of bearded and befuddled midgets. "You forget yourself, my hirsute-footed friend. We're trying to make a trilogy out of a short novel and a few appendices. If the eagles had taken us all the way, it would make for a rather short saga."

Bilbo shook his head. "I don't get it."

Gandalf nodded sagaciously. "I don't blame you. We're doing this whole thing arse about face. We made a popular trilogy in which you played a small part as a doddery schizophrenic jewellery hoarder, and now we're capitalising by making a whole new trilogy out of the leftovers. If we don't go through that wood, we won't be able to justify bringing back that wimp from the Pirates Of The Caribbean."

Bilbo stared at him.

Gandalf shrugged and continued. "There's a bit more to it. You know the ring you nicked from that stunted little Special Effect?"

Bilbo shifted uncomfortably. " I found it."

"Whatever. Well, that ring will have an important part to play in the future. So will the Necromancer, that shadowy figure what the Seventh Doctor warned us about."

Bilbo glanced askance at the flustered wizard. "Is Keira Knightley going to turn up at any stage?"

"No. And neither will Captain Jack Tonto."

"Dammit," Bilbo declared, mopping his brow, "Well, I suppose we'd better get a shift on."

Their progress toward their dwarf companions was suddenly arrested by the arrival of a high-pitched, melodious operatic voice, emitting random musical notes. A tall, willowy brunette appeared upon the scene, accompanied by a bunch of drooling cartoon animals.

"Who the f--k is this?" Bilbo shrieked.

The paleness of her skin denoted long-term heroin addiction. The slenderness of her proportions suggested severe bulimia issues. " I am the Princess Snow White, and I am seeking refuge from my murderous Godmother."

"And you conceal yourself by swanning around, singing at the top of your voice, surrounded by a bunch of bewitched cartoons?" Bilbo hollered, clutching his hair in disbelief.

"Well, she's not too bright. Talks to herself in the mirror. Oh-" Her delicate hands flew to her rosy lips, "Dwarves!"

Thorin and his companions glanced at each other, then at the newcomer.

"Oh," she gasped, "I just love hairy little men." She glanced around secretively. "I know a cottage where we can... you know... set up house." She winked conspiratorially. "Anyone want to come with me?"

The dwarves shot their stubby hands into the air and clamoured for attention.

She laughed with delight. "Then let's go! Except for you two." She pointed at Thorin and Gloin. "You're far too serious, and you're far too ugly."

The remaining party watched, in a kind of mental haze, as Snow White and the seven dwarves headed with alacrity into the sylvan haven of Mirkwood.

Gandalf frowned. "Don't remember this being in the script."

"Well, that's great. That's just great," Bilbo declared, "Trilogy my arse. I'm going back to being the butt of Sherlock's jokes." And he stomped away.

Gandalf, Thorin and Gloin glanced at each other.

"Well, now what?" Gandalf said.

"I guess we just wait here," Gloin replied," and hope there's a Time Bandits 2"

1 comment:

  1. Highly entertaining! I wish I could write fiction!

    It's all non-fic. with me, I'm afraid. Hey, ho'. To each his/her own.

    An old contact, Joe Silmon-Monerri.

    PS: I thought you were going to get in touch. About to publish "A Secret Son", vol. 1 of the series that replaces "The Secret Life of the Earl St. Maur ... etc. ", this time through a British Indie company, Publish Nation. They have a good reputation among authors. I may make some money this time. It will first appear in in paperback and Kindle. Meanwhile, a film is a distinct possibility. Hopefully, the book will be out first. The book, of course, will be the item with the facts, good or bad.